Monday, July 11, 2011

World Table Buffalo-Style Chicken pizza

Dan Talks about Now

We’ve been away and I hope you frozen pizza lovers out there haven’t missed us too badly.  Due to consuming large quantities of frozen pizza, I underwent voluntary small and large intestine replacement surgery.  I got the gut of a poor soul in Vermont—a Mrs. Jane McKinley, who passed away at age 76.  I hope it will get me through these next set of entries.

Doesn’t this “Taste of USA Delicious Discovery” pizza sound like something Woodrow Wilson would serve up at the League of Nations?  That’s assuming they had Wal-Mart around to provide said pie and back when people were kind enough not to wish anyone an evening’s stay in the lavatory.  What I need to do, folks, is stop eating pizzas with buffalo-style sauce on them ‘cause it’s ruining my sanity and objectivity when I write these blogs.  And there’s not enough magazines in the john to keep me from not getting bored.  I’m sorry to vent.  But let me offer props now, publicly for the first time, to Edith Wilson, Woodrow’s beloved, who basically ran the country in 1919 when he couldn’t anymore.  Edith, I’m dedicating this blog entry to you.

 Where was I with this?  Oh yes, this “Taste of USA” got me thinking.  For this World Table series, what are the Chileans doing for their Wal-Mart issue pizza?  Or the Dutch?  Or the aboriginal Australians?  Or people in North Dakota?  And on and on.  Wal-Mart’s either hit a gold mine with so many different choices or they’ve run themselves into the ground with the idea that have buffalo-style sauce somehow replicates marinara and will taste good to people.

One comment before I sign off: they say this pizza has “real mozzarella” cheese.  I’m about ready to throw a temper tantrum with all these iterations of cheese.  Sometimes it’s low-moisture, sometimes there’s no mention of it, sometimes they’re ‘signature’ cheeses, and sometimes they’re real and so on and so forth.  Just a comment…I’m sorry, it’s probably the buffalo sauce setting me off again.

(3.3 pizzas out of 10)

yup, I weigh at least as much as 4 lost souls now... thanks pizza.
you'll find other fine products like this at Walmart too. 

Joshua talks about Apocalypse
The rapture is about to start on May 21st apparently.  But I looked it up on the internet and it’s just the first phase of the big overhaul that’s going on.  Apparently it really goes down on October 21st.

What does that mean for you dearest reader?

  1. don’t bother putting together Halloween costumes this year
  2. maybe get some extra special fireworks for the 4th of July… for example, you could light your house on fire!
  3. if you haven’t made a bucket list, you might want to start, and if you have made a bucket list let’s hope “getting torn apart by demons” was one of the items on there… cause it’s coming.
  4. repent I guess…. But you there’s a good chance that there’s someone out there who said they forgave you when they really didn’t… so…. I guess just pour a ton of ice down your pants before 6pm on the 21st.
  5. Since the world is ending soon, can we all agree as a people that “two and a half men” really wasn’t all the great.
  6. Since we’re on our last meals, I wouldn’t recommend World Table’s brand of pizza ish food stuff.  So skip it and stick with your favorite foods, like cookies that are baked inside brownies that are stuff into a cheesecake and deep fried.
  7. for the love of god, when it all goes down make sure you yell “No Regrets” at the top of your lungs, especially if you’re doing something that really isn’t worthy of the comment, like playing “Super Mario Bros. 2” or reading any of “the twilight” books, or watching “thor”.

2 out of 10 people in our country believe this is happening…. I just made that statistic up, but hey, if some crazy can go around making up and then preaching to people that the world is going to end, I can make up statistics…. It’s my crazy too!

it's my crazy and I'll cry if I want to.

Kashi Mediterranean Pizza

Dans speaks of High-brow logic and pure wholesome society

Straight from the side of the box: Haiku are expressions of complex ideas distilled into simple words.  They serve as metaphors for the richly complex flavors crafted from Kashi’s honest ingredients. 

Their haiku:
Stone-fired pizza
Heavenly whole grain goodness
Earth’s bountiful harvest

Straight from my mouth: Why must everything be so high-brow when it comes to good-for-you pizzas?  Why is everyone trying so hard to have this image of healthiness and purity and wholesomeness?  Why does Kashi throw this haiku on the side of the box, like they’re trying to be cool?  Why don’t you throw down some iambic pentameter and see where you land?  Is throwing a haiku on the side of the box hip enough for being on the west coast where these pizzas are made?  No, I would put a palindrome on the side and get that haiku trash out of there.

My palindrome:
Top a pot

I don’t know what it means and how it applies to pizza, but I think there are some complex ideas being distilled here to reflect my honest thoughts.

(7.4 pizzas out of 10)

I'm casting my vote for Sarah Palindrome, star on no rats!

Joshua just watched the "human centipede" and felt grateful for not being the middle

Kashi makes pizzas that don’t feel like you’ve been punched in the gut.  That is a big deal for me.  There’s nothing like dining on any meal of food only to feel like you’re being pummeled by someone who has been stuck in traffic for 3 hours. 

The flavors were good, they don’t rub it in your face about how great they are (looking at you newman) , and you know…. They named themselves after a Japanese white oak, or a holy city in India.  So there you go.

Maybe the indifferent tone in my voice stems from the fact that I’m a little under the weather, or maybe it’s because Kashi isn’t a pizza company, but they do a decent job… still I know there whole heart isn’t in pizza making.  It can’t possibly be, they have cereal and granola to attend to as well.

But hey… in the world of frozen pizza, sometimes not having your whole heart in it is still far better then the feeling of your whole stomach being obliterated.

7.2 out of 10 holy cities wouldn’t be so holy if they just got the potholes fixed… Wah Wah Waaaaaaaaah

I went to the darkest part of my soul during this review, I call that part "dayton"