DiGiornio Cheese Stuffed Crust

Dan Checks Out

I wrote my will today—made Josh my executor.  I asked that when my body’s taken to the funeral home that instead of using formaldehyde to preserve my body for all of time that they use cheese to stuff me with.  Now, if Josh passes on before me, well then, I’m screwed.  Actually, here’s how I envision it going down: our pizza blog wins a Caldecott Medal in February 2017 and kids ‘round the world are reading our blog in the schools.  Entire math lessons center around the quantity of sodium we’ve consumed per pizza and they rewrite the Ohio history textbook to include trailblazers such as ourselves in the Ohio Legends chapter.  And so on and so forth.  Eventually, we’re so famous and influential that…

It’s a Choose Your Own Adventure blog entry.  If you want to put heartthrob sensations Dan and Josh out of the public eye, go to #1.  If you want to join in Dan and Josh's media circus, go to #6.

1) You’re enraged with jealousy.  Dan and Josh have done everything any blog duo could do.  They’re about to embark on a 16-city, guest blog writing tour until your genius brain decides to buy some T.G.I.Friday’s mozzarella sticks and block their car exhaust pipe.  Their car stalls and they decide to start a scrap-booking company.  THE END.

6) Your hopes are sky high.  You’re telling all your friends about your plans to share the spotlight with the next coming of Hanson.  On their three-city, pizza discovery tour, Josh develops a case of Bieber fever.  Without anyone to shoulder the sudden media blitz, Dan collapses under pressure. You’re left with a half a tank of gas and two cities left to go.  THE END.

0 out of 10

it's like a rollercoaster ride!  It's called "the Puke Dragon!"

Joshua Cashes In

I can’t help but think of “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash. 

4 out of 10 because I dined, I walked the line (to the restroom)

No matter what happens, you must know that when I die I will yell "No Regrets" at the top of my lungs.

Digiorno Rising Crust Spinach, Mushroom, and Garlic

Dan in real life

We heard some clamoring for more vegetable-oriented pizzas. And, Josh and I being people pleasers, try to do our best. If only DiGiornio could hear our cries for quality pizzas…

Let me see if I can anthropomorphize DiGiornio. DiGiornio is like the guy who works out his pecs and biceps to an extreme so he’s living in bulge city 90% of the time. Ask him to chop some wood and he’s good for about 10 minutes ‘cause his muscles are all show and he has no functional strength. In this case, the box represents the muscles—they look good—but the pizza’s like asking mini-muscles to bust up some tree stumps—nothin’ doin’.

I’d like to know where they get their stock photos from. Or maybe the cover photo is a real pizza that they made in the DiGiornio kitchens when they were trying to sell the top brass on selling this particular pizza. It’d be fair to call the mushrooms on the box “succulent” looking. Like their distant cousin, rat-pellet sausage droppings, the mushroom pieces on this pizza were like small shavings. If you had to describe what the mushrooms looked like to a police sketch artist based solely on the box, our mushrooms would be living free and at-large.

The pizza advertises that it’s also a spinach and garlic pizza. More accurately, there is a garlic butter sauce on the pizza, but no actual cloves or visible traces of it. The spinach, well, it made a cameo appearance tonight. However, shit white crust and seasoning-free everything were their usual laughers.

Nothing special, nothing great here. (4.5 pizzas out of 10)

Joshua in Wonderland

Alright, sometimes you just can’t review pizzas anymore. Sometimes you wake up and stare into the gray dawn and just say “what is it that I’m doing…”

Then you realize, that what you really need to be doing is writing quality jokes, so you can be a professional stand up comedian! Cause THOSE people know how to live! All alone on a stage, talking about all kinds of relationships.

So please, when you read the rest of this blog entry, picture me in one of those awesome
Seinfeld sports coats with the appropriate comedian shoes, a single light shines down upon me as tear into this pizza with some comedic gold fury! Also, read this next part while doing your best Woody Allen impression in your head.

Digorno Rising Crust Pepperoni

Dan's Thoughts

It takes 22 minutes to bake a DiGiornio rising crust pepperoni pizza, but it only took about 12 seconds for my rising expectations to crumble. True, brothers and sisters, there is an element of excitement when you know a yeast dough is expanding and browning in the oven, as if you’ve spent the last hour kneading that dough yourself. But I think the pizza makers at DiGiornio forgot to stock up at the spice rack when they got their ingredients at the supermarket. The dough had no taste and the sauce had no taste. Unless the “flavor scientists” forgot to add the necessary chemicals to both, that is.

The pie is saved by the pepperonis, for sure. They were a nice brick red color, very spherical in nature, and added a degree of flavor to the otherwise wasteland of white dough and undistinguishable red sauce.

Perhaps a technicality, I purchased this pie from the supermarket and dropped it off at Josh’s house before going home, then coming back to his house. Does that make it delivery? Because, as you know, their motto is “It’s not delivery, it’s DiGiornio”. Josh maintains that any time someone buys a DiGiornio pizza, they are technically delivering it to their home every time they return from the supermarket. I certainly delivered, but this pie did not. (1 out of 10 pizzas)

Joshua's Feelings

I bet Dan Mentioned this, but if you have a slogan like "it's not delivery,

it's digorno" aren't you just a jerk? Are you hiding the fact that your slogan has nothing to do with the quality of your product and that you're dodging that issue by attempting to point out the fact that it's convenient?

Still, I had to drive out to the grocery store, and stand behind a woman who couldn't figure out how to work the automatic scanner while her child kicked me in the shins over and over.... it most certainly was not delivery, it was awful.

sure, I made that scenario up. I pieced it together from other grocery store nightmares that have happened, but speaking of nightmares…

If you look in the lower right corner of the digorno box between the phrases "keep frozen" and "cook thoroughly" is the statement "not ready to eat".

I must agree whole heartedly. The Pepperonis were eh... and while the sauce and cheese weren't all that bad the "rising crust" certainly rose up and made its bland season-less presence known throughout each bite which became a bigger chore.

In a recent add for Digorno a roommate is seen attempting to scam his roommate out of his hard earned money by insisting the pizza was delivered and there were several extra charges. In this situation, wouldn't the delivery option just be a better option all together, because at this point the slogan is "it's not delivery, it's your asshole roommate attempting to scam you out of 20 bucks". If I ever encounter a roommate who attempts to pull that scam on me using a pie that is such a lame duck, his body will never be found.

2 out of 10