Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Trader Giotto's Pizza Parlanno

Joshua is like "eh"

Trader Joe's pizzas haven't let me down at all in the past.  Matter of fact I had just had one that took me on a magic journey. However this pizza just did nothing for me.  Sure, some pizzas whisk me off to an enchanted kingdom where I fight dragons and save the fairest maidens while other pizzas take me over to flint michigan where I work as a one handed rodeo clown. 

This pizza just didn't do anything.  Bite after bite, I only felt a little more full, but not fulfilled emotionally.  I wasn't devastated either.

Just hovering in that purgatory known as "eh" and emphasized with a non aggressive shoulder shrug and not followed with any dance moves.I will give them this.  eh.

5 out of 10 pm dawn greatest hits records

despite all my rage, I am still just a guy in a crate
it just screams "eh"

Dan is like "meh"

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.  Trader Joe’s won with the Arugula pizza and the Sicilian Wood-fired one Josh I tried previously.  But this was ehh.  Not a great crust.  The meats were unremarkable.  The peppers had some flavor, but overall, it wasn’t all that great.  Good job, though, on going with nitrate-free snausages and the uncured pepperonis—the only other pizza than Newman to offer such choices!

It reminds me of when I played high school basketball.  In high school during my junior year, I was 6’4” and probably 180 lbs.—so kind of on the lean side of thin.  But, if you’ve played any other sport than wrestling you know what I’m talking about, they listed me at 6’6”, 230 lbs.  It was all done to intimidate the opposition.  Then when I showed up for the opening tip, the other team wanted to know what fast I went on prior to the game and why I was smoking cigarettes.

Because it’s Trader Joe’s, you think the 6’6”, 230 lb power forward is showing up, but no, no that’s not the case.  Pass on this one, fo’ shizzle.

Hugs all around.

4.0 pizzas out of 10
shirts don't lie, and they hide you from being the dirty naked person you are


Dan tells it like a pimp

It had to be done.  For months, Josh and I have avoided eating a Tony’s.  I had never had one, but Josh told me he grew up eating them.  At this stage of our lives, you develop a certain impatience with the frozen pizzas.  Either they’re good or not and Tony was a cheap hooker.  I felt like my gut was bitch-slapped during the whole two slices I had.  I’m done with you Tony.  We’re over.

P.S. The photo of the pizza hot out of the oven was not rigged.  It came out bent in the upwards direction. 

2.8 pizzas out of 10

welcome to your colonoscopy
it's waving, and it can't even do that right
 Josh deals some crack

Tony's pizza is a no nonsense bad. There he sits, a big stupid grin on his face

"hey! it's a me!  Tony!  I kind of look like that italian stereo type except I wear a green shirt so you won't confuse me with Mario, and I carry my weight on my body in such a way as to imply that I spend far more time getting drunk and pretending I'm happy then I do actually focusing on my career, which is making pizza!"

Tony makes pizza.  I used to eat this pizza all the time as a wee lad in high school.  It hasn't changed a single bit.  For that I can give the man credit.  Make crap and stick with it.

I will give Tonys this, the slice I had was full of more sauce then a lot of frozen pizzas I've come across.  Other then that there's a few pepporoni's scattered here and there and fortunately for us, there's no "made with real cheese" seal that gets thrown in the way of the picture of the pizza on the front of the box.

Also, Tony's is into the world of product endorsements.  A $15 off six flags deal adorns each box these days.  Somehow, Tony feels that after you eat his pizza, you'll associate it with the thrill of standing in long lines in the heat and then being jerked aronud on a rollercoaster for 2 minutes.... and paying 8 bucks for cotton candy... and watching at least 2 kids puke.  Ah summer.Anyhow, Tony cries out "I'm mediocore, but it's alright!" which is kind of perfect for the state of the country.  He could go far in politics (we should be at the point where we elect cartoons by now, don't you think) but I will turn elsewhere for pizza.

4 out of 10 read my lips, no nude taxes

being the king of gutter balls is like not being a kind at all

Traders Giotto's Arugula Pizza

Joshua takes you on a journey

as soon as I sunk my teeth into the arugula pizza I immediately heard the beach boys classic "kokomo" in my head and I pictured uncle jessie of full house fame carrying me in my arms as he sang "arugula, jamaica, oooh I wanna take you down to kokomo, we'll get there fast ( cause it was a quick meal) and then we'll take it slow.

would I lie to you?

that's where I want to go.  This was easily my favorite of pretty much all the pizzas we've had.  It had no massive ego to carry like newmans own, no tons of uneccesary shouting to the masses advertising with the hope of the consumer overlooking mediocrity like digorno.  It was simply a good pizza, made with good ingredients at a good price.

Sure, we can talk about all the Danny Tanners, and Uncle Joeys and meth head stephanies that can't tell the difference between there fish when they die.  But when it comes to pizza, I'm just going to picture uncle Jessie carrying me away to a world where the beach boys still make music, and before he and aunt becky had those annoying twins with the hopes of boosting ratings as they sunk further into the abyss of the sitcom dredges.

10 out of 10 TGIF line ups, sans the Urkel show, plus Perfect Strangers

is this pizza as good as two people doing it on a rock... I'd like to think so

Dan takes you through airport security

You know when a pizza means business.  You also develop a Spidey sense if you think a pizza’s going to cause a riot in your gut.  Fortunately, this pizza was quite good.  It may even be my favorite pizza ever.  

Imported from Italy, we were treated to four snapshots of the Italians’ pizza making.  I would like to draw your attention to the bottom left photo. 

Were they making the pie at the World Health Organization?  Or are they wearing the surgical masks as an office prank?  Hair nets, I agree with.  But masks? 

I saw micheal jackson do this once.  He's the best.  I hope nothing bad ever befalls him

I think it’s ridiculous when people flying on planes wear surgical masks.  The airport and airplanes are saturated with bacteria, germs and viruses galore.  Why the hell are you flying if you are so worried about catching something?  And why don’t you just wear a full-body suit, throw down Airbourne and call it a day? 

I consider myself a relatively smart guy.  Tell me if this makes any sense:  They say to bake the pizza for 9 to 11 minutes.  “For a crisper crust, bake 1 additional minute.”  Okay, so what if I bake it for 10 minutes [to split the difference with their suggested baking time] and add the additional minute, bringing our total to 11 minutes?  Would that make it crispy?  Off the point, I knew a woman named Crispy.  We shared a pierogi.

You’re getting good value for your peso here, including some cheeses I never had before—grana padano and manchego.

9.9 pizzas out of 10

I will fucking break you

Monday, July 11, 2011

World Table Buffalo-Style Chicken pizza

Dan Talks about Now

We’ve been away and I hope you frozen pizza lovers out there haven’t missed us too badly.  Due to consuming large quantities of frozen pizza, I underwent voluntary small and large intestine replacement surgery.  I got the gut of a poor soul in Vermont—a Mrs. Jane McKinley, who passed away at age 76.  I hope it will get me through these next set of entries.

Doesn’t this “Taste of USA Delicious Discovery” pizza sound like something Woodrow Wilson would serve up at the League of Nations?  That’s assuming they had Wal-Mart around to provide said pie and back when people were kind enough not to wish anyone an evening’s stay in the lavatory.  What I need to do, folks, is stop eating pizzas with buffalo-style sauce on them ‘cause it’s ruining my sanity and objectivity when I write these blogs.  And there’s not enough magazines in the john to keep me from not getting bored.  I’m sorry to vent.  But let me offer props now, publicly for the first time, to Edith Wilson, Woodrow’s beloved, who basically ran the country in 1919 when he couldn’t anymore.  Edith, I’m dedicating this blog entry to you.

 Where was I with this?  Oh yes, this “Taste of USA” got me thinking.  For this World Table series, what are the Chileans doing for their Wal-Mart issue pizza?  Or the Dutch?  Or the aboriginal Australians?  Or people in North Dakota?  And on and on.  Wal-Mart’s either hit a gold mine with so many different choices or they’ve run themselves into the ground with the idea that have buffalo-style sauce somehow replicates marinara and will taste good to people.

One comment before I sign off: they say this pizza has “real mozzarella” cheese.  I’m about ready to throw a temper tantrum with all these iterations of cheese.  Sometimes it’s low-moisture, sometimes there’s no mention of it, sometimes they’re ‘signature’ cheeses, and sometimes they’re real and so on and so forth.  Just a comment…I’m sorry, it’s probably the buffalo sauce setting me off again.

(3.3 pizzas out of 10)

yup, I weigh at least as much as 4 lost souls now... thanks pizza.
you'll find other fine products like this at Walmart too. 

Joshua talks about Apocalypse
The rapture is about to start on May 21st apparently.  But I looked it up on the internet and it’s just the first phase of the big overhaul that’s going on.  Apparently it really goes down on October 21st.

What does that mean for you dearest reader?

  1. don’t bother putting together Halloween costumes this year
  2. maybe get some extra special fireworks for the 4th of July… for example, you could light your house on fire!
  3. if you haven’t made a bucket list, you might want to start, and if you have made a bucket list let’s hope “getting torn apart by demons” was one of the items on there… cause it’s coming.
  4. repent I guess…. But you there’s a good chance that there’s someone out there who said they forgave you when they really didn’t… so…. I guess just pour a ton of ice down your pants before 6pm on the 21st.
  5. Since the world is ending soon, can we all agree as a people that “two and a half men” really wasn’t all the great.
  6. Since we’re on our last meals, I wouldn’t recommend World Table’s brand of pizza ish food stuff.  So skip it and stick with your favorite foods, like cookies that are baked inside brownies that are stuff into a cheesecake and deep fried.
  7. for the love of god, when it all goes down make sure you yell “No Regrets” at the top of your lungs, especially if you’re doing something that really isn’t worthy of the comment, like playing “Super Mario Bros. 2” or reading any of “the twilight” books, or watching “thor”.

2 out of 10 people in our country believe this is happening…. I just made that statistic up, but hey, if some crazy can go around making up and then preaching to people that the world is going to end, I can make up statistics…. It’s my crazy too!

it's my crazy and I'll cry if I want to.

Kashi Mediterranean Pizza

Dans speaks of High-brow logic and pure wholesome society

Straight from the side of the box: Haiku are expressions of complex ideas distilled into simple words.  They serve as metaphors for the richly complex flavors crafted from Kashi’s honest ingredients. 

Their haiku:
Stone-fired pizza
Heavenly whole grain goodness
Earth’s bountiful harvest

Straight from my mouth: Why must everything be so high-brow when it comes to good-for-you pizzas?  Why is everyone trying so hard to have this image of healthiness and purity and wholesomeness?  Why does Kashi throw this haiku on the side of the box, like they’re trying to be cool?  Why don’t you throw down some iambic pentameter and see where you land?  Is throwing a haiku on the side of the box hip enough for being on the west coast where these pizzas are made?  No, I would put a palindrome on the side and get that haiku trash out of there.

My palindrome:
Top a pot

I don’t know what it means and how it applies to pizza, but I think there are some complex ideas being distilled here to reflect my honest thoughts.

(7.4 pizzas out of 10)

I'm casting my vote for Sarah Palindrome, star on no rats!

Joshua just watched the "human centipede" and felt grateful for not being the middle

Kashi makes pizzas that don’t feel like you’ve been punched in the gut.  That is a big deal for me.  There’s nothing like dining on any meal of food only to feel like you’re being pummeled by someone who has been stuck in traffic for 3 hours. 

The flavors were good, they don’t rub it in your face about how great they are (looking at you newman) , and you know…. They named themselves after a Japanese white oak, or a holy city in India.  So there you go.

Maybe the indifferent tone in my voice stems from the fact that I’m a little under the weather, or maybe it’s because Kashi isn’t a pizza company, but they do a decent job… still I know there whole heart isn’t in pizza making.  It can’t possibly be, they have cereal and granola to attend to as well.

But hey… in the world of frozen pizza, sometimes not having your whole heart in it is still far better then the feeling of your whole stomach being obliterated.

7.2 out of 10 holy cities wouldn’t be so holy if they just got the potholes fixed… Wah Wah Waaaaaaaaah

I went to the darkest part of my soul during this review, I call that part "dayton"

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Mama Cozzi’s Rising Crust Supreme

Dan "Paul Simon's" it

This pie was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, or what I mean to say, a DiGiornio pizza in Mama Cozzi’s oven.  Topping for topping, indistinguishable sauce to bland crust, I’m convinced this was a DiGiornio Ultimate Toppings pizza.  Convinced. 

I love, absolutely love, the cartoon drawings of the veggies and meats on the upper right corner of the box.  Three things threw me off on this one, though:

1) “No artificial colors or flavors.”  I’ve come to have a healthy respect and appreciation for Red #40.  This is an insult.

2) They repeat the use of “rising crust” three times on the cover.  Okay, I get it.  It rises.  But does it play the trombone?

3) It’s anyone’s guess what the red backdrop is behind “Mama Cozzi’s Pizza Kitchen” in the upper left.  Send your guesses to us.  The most ingenious guess will win the leftover sausage pellets we don’t eat from our next Red Baron pizza.

Oh sorry, but put a damn comma between “If you love pizza” and “you’ll love Mama Cozzi’s”. That cost you 0.2 points.

(2.2 pizzas out of 10)
Imitation is not the highest form of flattery.

they didn't even say "it's not delivery"... and the sauce inside is killing me.... oooooh whooooooooo

Dan's debut record "songs in the key of Pepperoni" is out now!

 Joshua "Art Garfunkel's" it

The good news is.  This pizza, which I picked up at Aldi’s is an exact clone of Digorno in seemingly every way except for it being $4 cheaper and lacking any claim of it being as good as delivery.

The bad news is.  This pizza, which I picked up at Aldi’s is an exact clone of Digorno in seemingly every way.

So what I’m saying is that it’s the lesser of two evils solely because it is cheaper and there was a little part of me that wanted so badly to cheer for the underdog so my palate detected just a smidge more flavor in the crust.  I will note that it could be my imagination running wild.

The question you must ask yourself brave reader is “Would I rather have the better of two evils or no evil at all?”

And when do two or more wrongs make a right?  Look at Australia. Weren’t they supposedly all criminals when they were shipped there?  Now look at them.  Every Australian I’ve ever met has been a top notch person. 

Then there’s America.  We all came over here to practice religion supposedly, but we wiped out a bunch of natives to the land and now we’re all a bunch of whiny self absorbed needy weirdos who still think it’s a milestone that we have our first black president (whoooo, maybe one day we’ll really let women vote).

That doesn’t mean that criminals always turn into great societies that have kangaroos and it doesn’t always mean that people that want to practice their religion in their own way turn out to be completely divided left and right wing extremists who can only agree on a KFC food bowl being a good idea, but it does mean something.  I just don’t know exactly what.

Then there is the fact that I just ate both this Pizza and Reggio’s in one night.  That is definitely two wrongs, but if my body rejects them and I throw them up that will be a right…

Oh yeah, we were talking about the lesser of two evils.  Well, we weren’t actually talking, it was more me babbling and you being a devoted reader.  I appreciate that very much.

Let’s rest your eyes for a bit weary internet explorer.  The Pizza was alright.  It’s easier to deal with alright when it’s priced to move, then when it’s priced to pay for a bunch of stupid commercials (looking at your Digorno).

It’s not the best taste, but not awful and the value is good, so that’s what my score is based on

5 out of 10 wrongs make a left

after eating this pizza I grew a mustache and had a strong desire to tie a woman to the train tracks

Reggio’s Chicago Style Famous “Butter Crust” Pizza

Dan talks about deals

All the fast food chains, in some form or another, claim that a few dollars will get you a lot.  For $3, you could get any of the following food combos:

-A McDonald’s sausage biscuit, a small premium roast coffee, and some hash browns
-A Wendy’s double stack, value fries and a Frostee
-3 BK single stackers

You get the drift.  Or you could buy yourself a round butter crust taste of ass.  That’s what we got for our $3 Reggio’s Pizza from German-based supermarket chain Aldi’s, evil step-sister to Trader Joe’s (yes, they’re owned by the same company).

They have no business putting a fresh, round tomato on the cover of this box.  And with whom is their “butter crust” famous?  Is it necessary to put that in quotation marks on the box?  Maybe they should say instead that they have a “diarrhea-inducing crust”.  It’s a dinner size pizza.  For who?  My left big toe? 

0.1 out of 10 pizzas (for inviting my gut’s wrath)

try and clean yourself as much as possible, but that pizza has still tarnished your soul.

Joshua deals with himself

If I were a wealthy man, I would prefer meatballs and spinach on my pizza made with the greatest crust that I haven’t yet found.  However I am not, and that’s why I was at Aldi’s and that’s why we have Reggio’s Butter Crust Pizza.

But let’s back track.  If I was wealthy, I would take a meeting with all the other wealthy people and when the issue of raising the gas prices came up I’d look at them and go


then they’d say “well, let’s raise the cost of education!” 


well… cause we need more money.

That’s the thing here people.  That’s the great metaphor for life that is pizza.  I once had a teacher who said “you don’t need the whole pie, just a slice will do”.  Yet for some reason we all think we need the whole pie.  Tell me this.  Do you really enjoy eating a whole pizza by yourself?  Wouldn’t it be more preferable to be surrounded by loved ones sharing the pizza that is life? 

Of course, what I just learned according to wikipedia is that if you make over 10 billion dollars, you DO get to take it with you in the afterlife.

So, thanks wikipedia.

Reggio’s butter crust was a bit much.  The REAL cheese (that every pizza box except Amy’s has been touting) was good and the rest was edible.  I wouldn’t want to live off of these pizzas for any length of time, but I’m glad that I tried it once.  While the crust wasn’t the tops, at least it was an honorable attempt at making something different crust wise.

I promise you dear readers, when all the pizza blog money comes rolling in, we’ll be feasting on pizza’s together.  I also promise you that Reggio’s won’t be one of them.

3 out of 10 hobos that haven’t been murdered by Rick and Larry

when you eat frozen pizza everyday.... everyday is like a holiday.  a horrible horrible never ending holiday.