Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Trader Giotto's Pizza Parlanno

Joshua is like "eh"

Trader Joe's pizzas haven't let me down at all in the past.  Matter of fact I had just had one that took me on a magic journey. However this pizza just did nothing for me.  Sure, some pizzas whisk me off to an enchanted kingdom where I fight dragons and save the fairest maidens while other pizzas take me over to flint michigan where I work as a one handed rodeo clown. 

This pizza just didn't do anything.  Bite after bite, I only felt a little more full, but not fulfilled emotionally.  I wasn't devastated either.

Just hovering in that purgatory known as "eh" and emphasized with a non aggressive shoulder shrug and not followed with any dance moves.I will give them this.  eh.

5 out of 10 pm dawn greatest hits records

despite all my rage, I am still just a guy in a crate
it just screams "eh"

Dan is like "meh"

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose.  Trader Joe’s won with the Arugula pizza and the Sicilian Wood-fired one Josh I tried previously.  But this was ehh.  Not a great crust.  The meats were unremarkable.  The peppers had some flavor, but overall, it wasn’t all that great.  Good job, though, on going with nitrate-free snausages and the uncured pepperonis—the only other pizza than Newman to offer such choices!

It reminds me of when I played high school basketball.  In high school during my junior year, I was 6’4” and probably 180 lbs.—so kind of on the lean side of thin.  But, if you’ve played any other sport than wrestling you know what I’m talking about, they listed me at 6’6”, 230 lbs.  It was all done to intimidate the opposition.  Then when I showed up for the opening tip, the other team wanted to know what fast I went on prior to the game and why I was smoking cigarettes.

Because it’s Trader Joe’s, you think the 6’6”, 230 lb power forward is showing up, but no, no that’s not the case.  Pass on this one, fo’ shizzle.

Hugs all around.

4.0 pizzas out of 10
shirts don't lie, and they hide you from being the dirty naked person you are


Dan tells it like a pimp

It had to be done.  For months, Josh and I have avoided eating a Tony’s.  I had never had one, but Josh told me he grew up eating them.  At this stage of our lives, you develop a certain impatience with the frozen pizzas.  Either they’re good or not and Tony was a cheap hooker.  I felt like my gut was bitch-slapped during the whole two slices I had.  I’m done with you Tony.  We’re over.

P.S. The photo of the pizza hot out of the oven was not rigged.  It came out bent in the upwards direction. 

2.8 pizzas out of 10

welcome to your colonoscopy
it's waving, and it can't even do that right
 Josh deals some crack

Tony's pizza is a no nonsense bad. There he sits, a big stupid grin on his face

"hey! it's a me!  Tony!  I kind of look like that italian stereo type except I wear a green shirt so you won't confuse me with Mario, and I carry my weight on my body in such a way as to imply that I spend far more time getting drunk and pretending I'm happy then I do actually focusing on my career, which is making pizza!"

Tony makes pizza.  I used to eat this pizza all the time as a wee lad in high school.  It hasn't changed a single bit.  For that I can give the man credit.  Make crap and stick with it.

I will give Tonys this, the slice I had was full of more sauce then a lot of frozen pizzas I've come across.  Other then that there's a few pepporoni's scattered here and there and fortunately for us, there's no "made with real cheese" seal that gets thrown in the way of the picture of the pizza on the front of the box.

Also, Tony's is into the world of product endorsements.  A $15 off six flags deal adorns each box these days.  Somehow, Tony feels that after you eat his pizza, you'll associate it with the thrill of standing in long lines in the heat and then being jerked aronud on a rollercoaster for 2 minutes.... and paying 8 bucks for cotton candy... and watching at least 2 kids puke.  Ah summer.Anyhow, Tony cries out "I'm mediocore, but it's alright!" which is kind of perfect for the state of the country.  He could go far in politics (we should be at the point where we elect cartoons by now, don't you think) but I will turn elsewhere for pizza.

4 out of 10 read my lips, no nude taxes

being the king of gutter balls is like not being a kind at all

Traders Giotto's Arugula Pizza

Joshua takes you on a journey

as soon as I sunk my teeth into the arugula pizza I immediately heard the beach boys classic "kokomo" in my head and I pictured uncle jessie of full house fame carrying me in my arms as he sang "arugula, jamaica, oooh I wanna take you down to kokomo, we'll get there fast ( cause it was a quick meal) and then we'll take it slow.

would I lie to you?

that's where I want to go.  This was easily my favorite of pretty much all the pizzas we've had.  It had no massive ego to carry like newmans own, no tons of uneccesary shouting to the masses advertising with the hope of the consumer overlooking mediocrity like digorno.  It was simply a good pizza, made with good ingredients at a good price.

Sure, we can talk about all the Danny Tanners, and Uncle Joeys and meth head stephanies that can't tell the difference between there fish when they die.  But when it comes to pizza, I'm just going to picture uncle Jessie carrying me away to a world where the beach boys still make music, and before he and aunt becky had those annoying twins with the hopes of boosting ratings as they sunk further into the abyss of the sitcom dredges.

10 out of 10 TGIF line ups, sans the Urkel show, plus Perfect Strangers

is this pizza as good as two people doing it on a rock... I'd like to think so

Dan takes you through airport security

You know when a pizza means business.  You also develop a Spidey sense if you think a pizza’s going to cause a riot in your gut.  Fortunately, this pizza was quite good.  It may even be my favorite pizza ever.  

Imported from Italy, we were treated to four snapshots of the Italians’ pizza making.  I would like to draw your attention to the bottom left photo. 

Were they making the pie at the World Health Organization?  Or are they wearing the surgical masks as an office prank?  Hair nets, I agree with.  But masks? 

I saw micheal jackson do this once.  He's the best.  I hope nothing bad ever befalls him

I think it’s ridiculous when people flying on planes wear surgical masks.  The airport and airplanes are saturated with bacteria, germs and viruses galore.  Why the hell are you flying if you are so worried about catching something?  And why don’t you just wear a full-body suit, throw down Airbourne and call it a day? 

I consider myself a relatively smart guy.  Tell me if this makes any sense:  They say to bake the pizza for 9 to 11 minutes.  “For a crisper crust, bake 1 additional minute.”  Okay, so what if I bake it for 10 minutes [to split the difference with their suggested baking time] and add the additional minute, bringing our total to 11 minutes?  Would that make it crispy?  Off the point, I knew a woman named Crispy.  We shared a pierogi.

You’re getting good value for your peso here, including some cheeses I never had before—grana padano and manchego.

9.9 pizzas out of 10

I will fucking break you