Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Mama Cozzi’s Rising Crust Supreme

Dan "Paul Simon's" it

This pie was a wolf in sheep’s clothing, or what I mean to say, a DiGiornio pizza in Mama Cozzi’s oven.  Topping for topping, indistinguishable sauce to bland crust, I’m convinced this was a DiGiornio Ultimate Toppings pizza.  Convinced. 

I love, absolutely love, the cartoon drawings of the veggies and meats on the upper right corner of the box.  Three things threw me off on this one, though:

1) “No artificial colors or flavors.”  I’ve come to have a healthy respect and appreciation for Red #40.  This is an insult.

2) They repeat the use of “rising crust” three times on the cover.  Okay, I get it.  It rises.  But does it play the trombone?

3) It’s anyone’s guess what the red backdrop is behind “Mama Cozzi’s Pizza Kitchen” in the upper left.  Send your guesses to us.  The most ingenious guess will win the leftover sausage pellets we don’t eat from our next Red Baron pizza.

Oh sorry, but put a damn comma between “If you love pizza” and “you’ll love Mama Cozzi’s”. That cost you 0.2 points.

(2.2 pizzas out of 10)
Imitation is not the highest form of flattery.

they didn't even say "it's not delivery"... and the sauce inside is killing me.... oooooh whooooooooo

Dan's debut record "songs in the key of Pepperoni" is out now!

 Joshua "Art Garfunkel's" it

The good news is.  This pizza, which I picked up at Aldi’s is an exact clone of Digorno in seemingly every way except for it being $4 cheaper and lacking any claim of it being as good as delivery.

The bad news is.  This pizza, which I picked up at Aldi’s is an exact clone of Digorno in seemingly every way.

So what I’m saying is that it’s the lesser of two evils solely because it is cheaper and there was a little part of me that wanted so badly to cheer for the underdog so my palate detected just a smidge more flavor in the crust.  I will note that it could be my imagination running wild.

The question you must ask yourself brave reader is “Would I rather have the better of two evils or no evil at all?”

And when do two or more wrongs make a right?  Look at Australia. Weren’t they supposedly all criminals when they were shipped there?  Now look at them.  Every Australian I’ve ever met has been a top notch person. 

Then there’s America.  We all came over here to practice religion supposedly, but we wiped out a bunch of natives to the land and now we’re all a bunch of whiny self absorbed needy weirdos who still think it’s a milestone that we have our first black president (whoooo, maybe one day we’ll really let women vote).

That doesn’t mean that criminals always turn into great societies that have kangaroos and it doesn’t always mean that people that want to practice their religion in their own way turn out to be completely divided left and right wing extremists who can only agree on a KFC food bowl being a good idea, but it does mean something.  I just don’t know exactly what.

Then there is the fact that I just ate both this Pizza and Reggio’s in one night.  That is definitely two wrongs, but if my body rejects them and I throw them up that will be a right…

Oh yeah, we were talking about the lesser of two evils.  Well, we weren’t actually talking, it was more me babbling and you being a devoted reader.  I appreciate that very much.

Let’s rest your eyes for a bit weary internet explorer.  The Pizza was alright.  It’s easier to deal with alright when it’s priced to move, then when it’s priced to pay for a bunch of stupid commercials (looking at your Digorno).

It’s not the best taste, but not awful and the value is good, so that’s what my score is based on

5 out of 10 wrongs make a left

after eating this pizza I grew a mustache and had a strong desire to tie a woman to the train tracks

Reggio’s Chicago Style Famous “Butter Crust” Pizza

Dan talks about deals

All the fast food chains, in some form or another, claim that a few dollars will get you a lot.  For $3, you could get any of the following food combos:

-A McDonald’s sausage biscuit, a small premium roast coffee, and some hash browns
-A Wendy’s double stack, value fries and a Frostee
-3 BK single stackers

You get the drift.  Or you could buy yourself a round butter crust taste of ass.  That’s what we got for our $3 Reggio’s Pizza from German-based supermarket chain Aldi’s, evil step-sister to Trader Joe’s (yes, they’re owned by the same company).

They have no business putting a fresh, round tomato on the cover of this box.  And with whom is their “butter crust” famous?  Is it necessary to put that in quotation marks on the box?  Maybe they should say instead that they have a “diarrhea-inducing crust”.  It’s a dinner size pizza.  For who?  My left big toe? 

0.1 out of 10 pizzas (for inviting my gut’s wrath)

try and clean yourself as much as possible, but that pizza has still tarnished your soul.

Joshua deals with himself

If I were a wealthy man, I would prefer meatballs and spinach on my pizza made with the greatest crust that I haven’t yet found.  However I am not, and that’s why I was at Aldi’s and that’s why we have Reggio’s Butter Crust Pizza.

But let’s back track.  If I was wealthy, I would take a meeting with all the other wealthy people and when the issue of raising the gas prices came up I’d look at them and go


then they’d say “well, let’s raise the cost of education!” 


well… cause we need more money.

That’s the thing here people.  That’s the great metaphor for life that is pizza.  I once had a teacher who said “you don’t need the whole pie, just a slice will do”.  Yet for some reason we all think we need the whole pie.  Tell me this.  Do you really enjoy eating a whole pizza by yourself?  Wouldn’t it be more preferable to be surrounded by loved ones sharing the pizza that is life? 

Of course, what I just learned according to wikipedia is that if you make over 10 billion dollars, you DO get to take it with you in the afterlife.

So, thanks wikipedia.

Reggio’s butter crust was a bit much.  The REAL cheese (that every pizza box except Amy’s has been touting) was good and the rest was edible.  I wouldn’t want to live off of these pizzas for any length of time, but I’m glad that I tried it once.  While the crust wasn’t the tops, at least it was an honorable attempt at making something different crust wise.

I promise you dear readers, when all the pizza blog money comes rolling in, we’ll be feasting on pizza’s together.  I also promise you that Reggio’s won’t be one of them.

3 out of 10 hobos that haven’t been murdered by Rick and Larry

when you eat frozen pizza everyday.... everyday is like a holiday.  a horrible horrible never ending holiday.

Monday, May 2, 2011

DiGiornio Cheese Stuffed Crust

Dan Checks Out

I wrote my will today—made Josh my executor.  I asked that when my body’s taken to the funeral home that instead of using formaldehyde to preserve my body for all of time that they use cheese to stuff me with.  Now, if Josh passes on before me, well then, I’m screwed.  Actually, here’s how I envision it going down: our pizza blog wins a Caldecott Medal in February 2017 and kids ‘round the world are reading our blog in the schools.  Entire math lessons center around the quantity of sodium we’ve consumed per pizza and they rewrite the Ohio history textbook to include trailblazers such as ourselves in the Ohio Legends chapter.  And so on and so forth.  Eventually, we’re so famous and influential that…

It’s a Choose Your Own Adventure blog entry.  If you want to put heartthrob sensations Dan and Josh out of the public eye, go to #1.  If you want to join in Dan and Josh's media circus, go to #6.

1) You’re enraged with jealousy.  Dan and Josh have done everything any blog duo could do.  They’re about to embark on a 16-city, guest blog writing tour until your genius brain decides to buy some T.G.I.Friday’s mozzarella sticks and block their car exhaust pipe.  Their car stalls and they decide to start a scrap-booking company.  THE END.

6) Your hopes are sky high.  You’re telling all your friends about your plans to share the spotlight with the next coming of Hanson.  On their three-city, pizza discovery tour, Josh develops a case of Bieber fever.  Without anyone to shoulder the sudden media blitz, Dan collapses under pressure. You’re left with a half a tank of gas and two cities left to go.  THE END.

0 out of 10
it's like a rollercoaster ride!  It's called "the Puke Dragon!"
Joshua Cashes In

I can’t help but think of “Ring of Fire” by Johnny Cash. 

4 out of 10 because I dined, I walked the line (to the restroom)

No matter what happens, you must know that when I die I will yell "No Regrets" at the top of my lungs.

California Pizza Kitchen crispy thin crust Sicilian recipe


Dan talks about Rick and Larry

Written on the back of the box is the following: “Enjoy as is—or get creative and add something extra on top before baking.  We like the fresh touch of halved cherry tomatoes.”

This is completely horseshit if your pizza has no flavor.  Girlfriend, no cherry tomatoes gonna give this pizza flavor.  I like cherry tomatoes and they’re good on salads.  But they don’t belong on a pizza that’s the equivalent of a kale sprig on a Grand Slam platter at Denny’s.  If it were me, I’d rewrite the line “we like the fresh touch of spices and fresh shiitake mushrooms and some crumbled bacon and some avocado slices and cucumber chunks and nitrate-free, dipped-in-celery-juice-concentrate pepperonis, and so on.  However, I’d insist on keeping in their “low-moisture, part skim mozzarella”.  Heaven knows my thighs don’t need any high-moisture cheese.

What’s up with Rick’s over-sized red sweater on the back of the box?  He could house a small family in the sleeves.

3.1 pizzas out of 10

this is Jigsaw... the only way to get out alive is to cut off your tongue so you'll never be able to taste this pizza again.... oh my... that was way to easy.  Maybe there shouldn't have been 6 more SAW's...

Joshua talks about Larry and Rick

Larry and Rick like to take photos together.  They look happy in those photos.  They look like they’re proud of the work they do.  Larry and Rick are jerks.

First time we tried a California Pizza Kitchen Larry and Rick didn’t bother to put their smiling faces on that pizza.  Instead they put “limited edition” and took their smiling faces off to a bar where hopefully they drank out of shame and fear and loss.  My guess is that they just got matching shirts that said “if you bought our limited edition pizza, you’re a sucker!” and then used said matching shirts to cover up and dispose the body of a homeless person they chose to kill for pleasure.

"my favorite part was when that hobo started crying!... hahah, the nerve!  What's he got to live for anyway?!"

Why would I take two perfectly good mens pizza company and attempt to make them look like hobo murderers who can’t stop smiling and taking advantage of people?  Simply because I can’t picture what else they’d be doing since it feels like they churned out a half assed pizza, said “good enough” and picked up their hobo axes for another day at the beach.
We’re all looking for the spark, the fire, the passion in our lives.  It should be in the people we know, the games we play, the clothes we wear, the music we listen to.  It should also be in the pizza we eat.  I just don’t feel the passion in CPK.  They even tell you to add your own toppings to the pizza… that’s like someone building half a house and then telling you to add a roof if you think it’d compliment the hardwood floors in the kitchen.

Less time at the photo shoot boys, more time infusing passion and soul into a product you’re going to put your toothy smiles on.

3.5 out of 10 don’t hate me because I’m beautifuls 

I've gone hollywood, which is way better then going Dollywood.