Wednesday, August 17, 2011


Dan tells it like a pimp

It had to be done.  For months, Josh and I have avoided eating a Tony’s.  I had never had one, but Josh told me he grew up eating them.  At this stage of our lives, you develop a certain impatience with the frozen pizzas.  Either they’re good or not and Tony was a cheap hooker.  I felt like my gut was bitch-slapped during the whole two slices I had.  I’m done with you Tony.  We’re over.

P.S. The photo of the pizza hot out of the oven was not rigged.  It came out bent in the upwards direction. 

2.8 pizzas out of 10

welcome to your colonoscopy
it's waving, and it can't even do that right
 Josh deals some crack

Tony's pizza is a no nonsense bad. There he sits, a big stupid grin on his face

"hey! it's a me!  Tony!  I kind of look like that italian stereo type except I wear a green shirt so you won't confuse me with Mario, and I carry my weight on my body in such a way as to imply that I spend far more time getting drunk and pretending I'm happy then I do actually focusing on my career, which is making pizza!"

Tony makes pizza.  I used to eat this pizza all the time as a wee lad in high school.  It hasn't changed a single bit.  For that I can give the man credit.  Make crap and stick with it.

I will give Tonys this, the slice I had was full of more sauce then a lot of frozen pizzas I've come across.  Other then that there's a few pepporoni's scattered here and there and fortunately for us, there's no "made with real cheese" seal that gets thrown in the way of the picture of the pizza on the front of the box.

Also, Tony's is into the world of product endorsements.  A $15 off six flags deal adorns each box these days.  Somehow, Tony feels that after you eat his pizza, you'll associate it with the thrill of standing in long lines in the heat and then being jerked aronud on a rollercoaster for 2 minutes.... and paying 8 bucks for cotton candy... and watching at least 2 kids puke.  Ah summer.Anyhow, Tony cries out "I'm mediocore, but it's alright!" which is kind of perfect for the state of the country.  He could go far in politics (we should be at the point where we elect cartoons by now, don't you think) but I will turn elsewhere for pizza.

4 out of 10 read my lips, no nude taxes

being the king of gutter balls is like not being a kind at all

1 comment:

  1. ile be clear, tony's to me use to taste good, so did red baron, and totinos wasn’t bad.

    In the last year,red baron now tastes like tonys, tonys (as of today) smells of burnt electronics and tastes like fake nasty oil cheese, I stopped eating totinos 2 years ago.

    I think made from scratch is all thats left for me.