Monday, March 7, 2011

Digiorno Rising Crust Spinach, Mushroom, and Garlic


Dan in real life

We heard some clamoring for more vegetable-oriented pizzas. And, Josh and I being people pleasers, try to do our best. If only DiGiornio could hear our cries for quality pizzas…

Let me see if I can anthropomorphize DiGiornio. DiGiornio is like the guy who works out his pecs and biceps to an extreme so he’s living in bulge city 90% of the time. Ask him to chop some wood and he’s good for about 10 minutes ‘cause his muscles are all show and he has no functional strength. In this case, the box represents the muscles—they look good—but the pizza’s like asking mini-muscles to bust up some tree stumps—nothin’ doin’.

I’d like to know where they get their stock photos from. Or maybe the cover photo is a real pizza that they made in the DiGiornio kitchens when they were trying to sell the top brass on selling this particular pizza. It’d be fair to call the mushrooms on the box “succulent” looking. Like their distant cousin, rat-pellet sausage droppings, the mushroom pieces on this pizza were like small shavings. If you had to describe what the mushrooms looked like to a police sketch artist based solely on the box, our mushrooms would be living free and at-large.

The pizza advertises that it’s also a spinach and garlic pizza. More accurately, there is a garlic butter sauce on the pizza, but no actual cloves or visible traces of it. The spinach, well, it made a cameo appearance tonight. However, shit white crust and seasoning-free everything were their usual laughers.

Nothing special, nothing great here. (4.5 pizzas out of 10)



Joshua in Wonderland

Alright, sometimes you just can’t review pizzas anymore. Sometimes you wake up and stare into the gray dawn and just say “what is it that I’m doing…”

Then you realize, that what you really need to be doing is writing quality jokes, so you can be a professional stand up comedian! Cause THOSE people know how to live! All alone on a stage, talking about all kinds of relationships.

So please, when you read the rest of this blog entry, picture me in one of those awesome
Seinfeld sports coats with the appropriate comedian shoes, a single light shines down upon me as tear into this pizza with some comedic gold fury! Also, read this next part while doing your best Woody Allen impression in your head.

---------------------------you are entering the yuck zone ----------------------------

Look, the pizza was alright, I’ll take it over airplane food, and If my Aunt Gretchen attempts another one of her Meatloaf wrapped in Orange Jello dinners… well golly, you best believe I’ll call up Digorno and be all

“Hey… I know it’s not delivery… but can you make an exception!”

but seriously, the pizza said it had Spinach, Mushrooms and Garlic. There’s not enough spinach on the pizza to make Popeye strong enough to lift a phone to call for an ambulance after the stomachache it induced!

But seriously, there’s not enough mushrooms on this pizza to get hippies high enough to find the Grateful Dead tolerable!

But seriously, there’s not enough garlic on here to make the vampires from twilight offer you a breath mint before they stare longingly in your glassy eyes filled with lust for blood sucking creatures.

Geez, if you want a blood sucking creature you should meet my mother in law

(long pause for the appropriate amount of audience recovery)

Here’s my impression of Charlie Sheen eating this pizza (combs back hair)

“my god, it’s going to take way more whores before this pizza starts to taste any good!”

Here’s my impression of Tanya Harding trying to eat this pizza

(goes out into audience and just cracks someone in the knee with a bat)

what people?… to soon?

Alright, last impression, here’s my impression of Delta Burke eating this pizza

(takes a few big bites and looks up at audience wide eyed)

what… why are surprised? (this is in a yoda voice)…. Clearly I eat anything.

Thank you, that’s my time!

4 out of 10 comedian shoes.

"when I become an edgy comedian I'll get a leather jacket, but keep the shades"

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