Dan breaks the fourth wall
The Heinen’s variety of pizza will only mean something to Northeast Ohio residents where this blog is being typed in front of a live studio audience. Heinen’s is a local supermarket chain, a bit on the expensive side, but an all-together, all-right place to shop for goods. Now onto our regularly scheduled programming…
This pizza was made in Canada. Does that strike anyone as a bit, um, out of place? Anyone’s who spent more than 6 weeks with me knows of my fondness for our neighbors up north. My Buick was built in Canada—no joke—and I recently bought a friend some Canadian-themed stickers for a project she was working on. Okay, random story. I was flying to Denmark a couple of years ago. I, like many Americans, poke good-natured fun at Canadians’ use of “eh” to end their questions. I had not really met a real Canadian and Paul Shaffer and Marty Short, who both ranked in my top 100 entertainers of 2010, were the only Canadians I knew. I sat next to a Canadian and was constantly amused by his use of “eh” to end questions.
Back to the pizza: since it was made in Canada, Josh and I searched for the packets of maple syrup that we assumed were in there. None were found. The pizza was the Canadian step-sister of DiGiornio. A tough, seasonless, too-much-dough crust and crumbly, indistinguishable meat toppings. I believe this pizza had bacon, sausage, hamburger, and pepperoni on it—all of which were kinda blah. I had about a piece and a half before calling it quits. Definite bloating/indigestion afterward. I would probably take the DiGiornio variety over this Heinen’s on most days, except major federally-recognized holidays and the third Thursday of each month.
(4.4 pizzas out of 10)
Joshua breaks your heart
Heineins Deluxe Meat Pizza
I’m going to do you all a favor and tell you about some pick up lines that don’t work
- would you mind if I collected a sample of your urine for testing?
- I want to lick your whole face
- I just want to start off by saying “I am Jesus Christ!”
- Hey baby, you wanna be on my reality TV show? It’s called “who wants to bone an idiot?”
- Hey! Raise your hand if you’ve killed someone! (then you raise your hand and just stare at him/her longingly)
- I have no dignity or pants!
- Hey, did you know I write a frozen pizza blog!
- I like Grocery Store brand meat pizzas
- I believe in fairies
- Let’s have a contest to see who can pick the grossest thing out of their nose!
- Hey, wanna come over to my place and put on a few outfits made of human skin I’ve been compiling for several years and then eat a Heinens Deluxe Meat Pizza?
On that last one, all was well until you brought up the pizza.
3 out of 10 silent lambs