Monday, April 11, 2011

Heinens Rising Crust Four Meat Pizza

Dan breaks the fourth wall

The Heinen’s variety of pizza will only mean something to Northeast Ohio residents where this blog is being typed in front of a live studio audience.  Heinen’s is a local supermarket chain, a bit on the expensive side, but an all-together, all-right place to shop for goods.  Now onto our regularly scheduled programming…

This pizza was made in Canada.  Does that strike anyone as a bit, um, out of place?  Anyone’s who spent more than 6 weeks with me knows of my fondness for our neighbors up north.  My Buick was built in Canada—no joke—and I recently bought a friend some Canadian-themed stickers for a project she was working on.  Okay, random story.  I was flying to Denmark a couple of years ago.  I, like many Americans, poke good-natured fun at Canadians’ use of “eh” to end their questions.  I had not really met a real Canadian and Paul Shaffer and Marty Short, who both ranked in my top 100 entertainers of 2010, were the only Canadians I knew.  I sat next to a Canadian and was constantly amused by his use of “eh” to end questions. 

Back to the pizza: since it was made in Canada, Josh and I searched for the packets of maple syrup that we assumed were in there.  None were found.  The pizza was the Canadian step-sister of DiGiornio.  A tough, seasonless, too-much-dough crust and crumbly, indistinguishable meat toppings.  I believe this pizza had bacon, sausage, hamburger, and pepperoni on it—all of which were kinda blah.  I had about a piece and a half before calling it quits.  Definite bloating/indigestion afterward.  I would probably take the DiGiornio variety over this Heinen’s on most days, except major federally-recognized holidays and the third Thursday of each month.

(4.4 pizzas out of 10)

Joshua breaks your heart

Heineins Deluxe Meat Pizza

I’m going to do you all a favor and tell you about some pick up lines that don’t work

-         would you mind if I collected a sample of your urine for testing?
-         I want to lick your whole face
-         I just want to start off by saying “I am Jesus Christ!”
-         Hey baby, you wanna be on my reality TV show?  It’s called “who wants to bone an idiot?”
-         Hey!  Raise your hand if you’ve killed someone! (then you raise your hand and just stare at him/her longingly)
-         I have no dignity or pants!
-    Hey, did you know I write a frozen pizza blog!
-         I like Grocery Store brand meat pizzas
-         I believe in fairies
-         Let’s have a contest to see who can pick the grossest thing out of their nose!
-         Hey, wanna come over to my place and put on a few outfits made of human skin I’ve been compiling for several years and then eat a Heinens Deluxe Meat Pizza?

On that last one, all was well until you brought up the pizza. 

3 out of 10 silent lambs

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