Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Newman’s Own White Pizza

we're still clueless as to why there's a silicon breast implant to the right of that tomato
Dan Speaks of Charity

Let me jump right to what I call the “sports pages” of a pizza blog.  Solid, overall effort here on the white pizza.  Not my favorite, but a solid effort here by Paul.  I discovered that I’m not a fan of the white sauce, which was a sour cream and cream cheese-based concoction.  A bit salty for my taste—largely due to the feta cheese—but a solid, trustable crust with a good amount of spinach.

(7.9 pizzas out of 10)

Now, here’s the op-ed piece of the pizza blog.  I know, I know, the Newman’s brand is great not only because it tastes good, but also because they give their profits to charity.  Well, really, in all seriousness, kudos to them.  Now, see the box is kind of like your guide if the world’s an okay place or not.  It says, “Paul Newman and Newman’s Own Foundation have given over $300 million to thousands of charities since 1982.”  I can only do first-grade math.  $300 million is a lot of coin, but given to thousands of charities?!?  I could see some Sisters of the Poor charity whose federal funding just got cut getting this check from Newman’s Own for $786.13 one day as one of the other thousand plus charities out there vying for the dough (pun intended). 

Now, it says over $300 million. That could mean they gave $600 million.  And, by all means, ‘rah’ for them.  So if they’re being modest, cut the crap and let us know how much you’ve actually donated so that the charity that donates tasseled loafers to the retired auto workers union knows just how many loafers they can buy this year.  Okay?

Joshua Speaks of Chastity 
So Newman (who is still better then you’ll ever be)  has a White Pizza.  But it’s NOT his pizza!  At least that’s not what I gathered by reading the “legend” on the back of the box that was all about how Pepe was an awful cook who accidentally won the Nobel Prize for culinary invention.

It does give me hope though, that I might screw up so badly, so so very badly that I could win an award someday.

Is it just me or is everything that was ever great in this world derived from messing something else up?

For example, I’m sure there was once a young boy who was asked to collect water from the town well so his family could drink and bathe for the day, but since he was a total idiot he collected a few gallons of elephant piss.  His father, who was one of the town elders and did not want the whole town to realize what a complete and total ass his son was so he decided to gather all the towns people and tell them that the elephant urine when consumed would make you better at hunting alligators in the local river nearby.  Thus, Gatorade was born.

Or there was the story of the Second City comedy performer who over indulged in drugs and food and loathed himself so that one day his heart just gave out.  After he died everyone said “who will be the funny fat guy who falls in all the movies?”.  And that my friends is the story of how Kevin James came to be.

Anyhow, thanks Newman for proving time and time again that you’re better then me.  One day if I ever have a family crest made up there will be a little cartoon of me peeing on your grave Paul N.  Just saying.

8 out of 10 Matt Foley motivational speaker sketches were alright despite their repetitiveness.

my god!  where did all the batteries go?  NEEEEEWWWWW MAAAAAAN!

H_Ram speaks of Charlie

The white sauce was good, but there wasn't enough of it. On some pieces it felt like there was none at all. It was a shame, because if the whole thing had been as creamily delicious as some of my first few bites, it would've possibly made it into consideration for some (extremely likely, I'm sure) future where I buy frozen pizzas for myself.

The spinach was surprisingly palatable. I'm generally on okay terms with spinach, but I had severe doubts about how it'd hold up on a frozen pizza. The answer, at least for Newman's Own: pretty well. At least well enough that I didn't find myself disturbed by it.

Being a rather meat-pizza-oriented person, it sorta felt like something was missing. Spinach is fine and all, but it doesn't really feel like anything is even there, so it was basically just eating a cheese pizza with a bit of a different cheese combo.

Now I feel like I'm just complaining to complain.

You win, Newman. It was good.

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