Monday, March 14, 2011

Freschetta California-Style spicy chicken & feta cheese thin crust pizza


Dan requests you mail him cards and drugs

If you have a sneaking suspicion that a pizza’s going to give you the runs later that night, shouldn’t you walk away? I tried to, but the blog had to be representative, thus I had to get down at least one slice and I did. Sympathy emails and comments, along with a case of Immodium, would be appreciated.

Josh and I have been friends for about 15 years now and we’ve always gotten along. I’m afraid to say that Josh and I “agreed to disagree” on the rating of this pizza. I hope our friendship can recover in time for the next review.

As I’m sure Josh will tell you, the Freschetta brand has no clue about putting toppings on a pizza. For example, before we started this blog, Josh and I tried a Freschetta artichoke pizza…with 3 (yes only 3) artichokes on the whole thing. This pizza with chicken had about 6 pieces of chicken in an unevenly spread pattern on the pizza (see photo). I was checking out of the supermarket recently and saw a guy with a Freschetta in his hands. I sternly warned him to expect few and misplaced toppings, and with that, he hurried to the 12 items or less checkout lane to purchase his pizza.

Let me tell you how to make this pizza right in your very own home. Get some saltine crackers. Put some buffalo wing sauce on the cracker. Throw some feta cheese on it. The chicken is optional because we’ll assume you missed the mark. Bake it. And presto, you’re done!

My recommendation is to avoid this pizza if you can, but if you must try it for yourself, buy some hard liquor to quell whatever’s going to happen in your gut. (0.5 out of 10 pizzas)



Josh pens an SNL sketch to convey his feelings

Start with shot of the Freschetta Building, it’s a big corporate looking edifice made of stone and darkened windows to keep the sun out and the good business ideas in.

We then fade out and fade in on a shot of production line of Freschetta where we see a conveyor belt that isn’t yet turned on and our characters Mr. Schettamipants and the new employee Roger

Mr. Shettamipants: Well Roger, it’s good to have you on the Freschetta team. Things are looking up for us here at Freschetta, we’ve been churning out quality products and with people like you on the team, we’re sure to continue that tradition.

Roger: In college, I drank a whole KEG in one hour to get my fraternity to accept me!

Mr. Shettamipants: That’s what we call a committed team player Roger, and we’re glad you’re aboard our ship, cause we’re setting sail for greatness!

Roger: In college, I swam naked in freezing water for three hours just to prove to the guys that I wasn’t a pussy! I’m A MAN! (rips phone book in half)

Mr. Shettamipants: That’s right Roger, you forward thinker you, we are at a point in society where we don’t need phone books anymore, I’m sure your 90 day evaluation is going to be one of the best!

Roger: In college, I let some of the dorks at the science college down the road do tests on me so I could raise beer money for the guys. I had to have a rectal thermometer in me for 24 hours a day!

Mr. Shettamipants: and you never took it out did you Roger! That’s a boy, good at following directions. I’m sure you know what your job is here Roger, but I’ll go over it one more time. I’m going to turn on this conveyer belt and pizzas without toppings will start to pass by. You simply add the toppings in an orderly fashion that looks as close as possible to the picture on the front. Got it?

Roger: In college! I listened to John Mayer!

Mr. Shettamipants: Brilliant! I’m going to go give myself a raise, now you make us proud boy (turns on conveyor belt)

(Mr. Shettamipants walks away from the belt and a scene close to that of the famous I Love Lucy chocolate factory scene unfolds, except roger just throws the toppings high in the air and yells “college!” every once and awhile as the belt speeds up faster and faster. Eventually, Roger gets hoarse from yelling “College” and starts to whimper under his breath about sports and brews and finally manages to squeak a “bros before hoes” before falling over from over exertion

Just like most awful SNL style sketches like the one I just wrote in a few minutes the Freschetta Spicy Chicken and Feta Cheese suffered from the same faults. An interesting premise quickly falls into rut that pays off less and less each time. in the case of the SNL sketch, it’s the catch phrase being used over and over, in the Freschettas case, each bite is like the catch phrase and it quickly grows old.

3 out of 10 “Shwings” or “Did I do that?” or “it’s pat!” sketches… ehh..

I just called to say I hate you.

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