Dan's In Memoriam
Cool Hand Luke has done it again. The sauce, the peanut butter cups, the Newman O’s, the Fig Newmans. I admit to going through some Paul Newman mourning when he died about three years ago by purchasing many of the “Pa” and “Nell” Newman varieties (but at that time, no pie) for an entire week. By the way, how does Joanne Woodward become “Nell”? I digress…
The cover art around Paul Newman’s head has an interesting graphic of either a) a mozzarella ball; b) a silicone implant; c) a chunk of chalk. You might dismiss my observation as simply blog filler, but if it is indeed a mozzarella ball, then it’s the only duplicated pizza topping on the cover art, with a bowl of shredded cheese and also the ball. There are two tomatoes, but in the same form, and two sprigs of basil, also in the same form. Quite frankly, this wasn’t a four-cheese Newman’s Own pizza, which Josh and I will review at a later time. If it was, then I could understand the duplicate cheese toppings.
As far as the pie itself goes, let’s start with the sausages. Real, flavorful sausages that looked like ripped shards of meat, as sausages on a pie are intended to look. Real fire-roasted peppers. Real nitrate-free (soaked in celery juice concentrate) pepperonis. Onions, even! A “crust we can trust”. It’s minimally-processed and contains no artificial ingredients. Also, this pizza contains not a trace of soy, so hooray to eat any processed item without soy! This pizza has gotten my highest ranking out of any of this pizzas we’ve tasted thus far and is my fall-back pizza should I want to gag on any of the others and need some good eatin’. (read: Tombstone, Tony’s, etc) (9 out of 10 pizzas)
“In Crust we Trust” is what it says on the box right by the big smiling head of Paul Newman. There he is. Paul Newman, Look him up on wikipedia kids. He was an actor and a race car driver. Most of you will grow up to be coal miners, and you won’t get stuck in the mine for days, so you won’t even get the privilege of getting to be on all the morning and late night talk shows to tell your inspirational story of how you sat around in a mine shaft. Anyhow, you’ll all be coal miners, he was an Actor AND a race car driver. To top it all off and kind of rub it in our faces he also started “Newman’s Own” which is a brand of products including this pizza I’m reviewing that has raised over 300 million dollars for charity.
I get it Paul, you lived a better life then me and most likely you’ll make the 150 dollars I can scrounge up to give to various charities and causes every year look more like a spit in the face of all the people suffering cause you’re so damn charitable.
Here’s the thing, it’s a thin crust pizza, it’s got a good flavor, the toppings look like actual pizza toppings (sometimes sausages can look like rat droppings and sometimes mushrooms can look like… mice droppings on pizzas, but not our pal Newman). It’s got a good flavor, everything compliments everything but I just think the slogan/tagline is a bit off.
You can’t say “in crust we trust” if your pizza is a thin crust. That’s like letting someone watch your house while you’re away because you trust them but attaching guard dogs to their legs that have specific orders to attack if the house sitter gets to nervous.
Obviously you didn’t “trust the crust” because you made sure there was less of it. You could’ve said “thin it to win it!” or “thin crust is a must” or “I’m Paul Newman and my life was SO much better then you can ever imagine yours to be” or “I’m Paul Newman, I’m not that crusty and neither is my pizza”.
What am I saying? Charlie Sheen has nothing on Paul Newman. I bet the only reason they’re making these frozen pizzas now is because Paul Newman has passed away, however, before he passed away I imagine he found time to kiss each and every pizza box and then bed 100 more women while racing his fast car and phoning in lines for an as of yet unreleased hit animated film.
Paul Newman had it all. He’s not of this earth anymore, but you can pay tribute to him and the fact that he’s more giving then you every time you get one of these pizzas.
8 out of 10 jerk face Paul Newman thinks he’s better then me.