Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Freschetta PizzAmoré 10-topping Supreme

Dan lets 'em have it

Contained in this pizza box were the following: one (1) pizza; one (1) exclusive Fresch-Bake tray; two (2) orange safety cones; one (1) mini fire-extinguisher; two (2) fire-retardant safety gloves; one (1) welding mask; and one (1) magnifying glass.  Confused and incredulous?  Allow me to explain.

Josh and I have tried many pizzas, but never one with warnings as frightful as the ones found on this box, highlighted in yellow at the bottom of the box:
-Pizza must be baked in the oven- ready tray provided (this is the aforementioned “Fresch-Bake” tray)
-the tray and pizza must be “no closer than 5” from oven’s bottom heat source”
-Pizza must be based in a regular oven.  Failure to follow all instructions may cause smoke, and in rare cases, fire.

We’ve seen some pretty dumbed-down pizza instructions with graphics a 6 month old could follow, but never any warnings of smoke and fire.  And don’t you think it’s a little brazen of them to insist we use the “Fresch-Bake” tray?  The tray was a paper plate that didn’t feel any different than a normal old plate, but it was likely coated with something to survive the high heat.  Through its magic, the crust turned out fine.  But to insist on using something?  For sure, we will be baking another without their bloody tray to see what will happen.

Second, in their 10-topping supreme, they include oregano as a topping.  Say what?  And garlic?  I spied no garlic on this pizza.  In my opinion, which I hope you’ve come to trust, it’s a little bold to list the three kinds of peppers as separate toppings.  They also listed the two cheeses on here as toppings.  The mozzarella doesn’t count because that’s expected.  And the copious amounts of parmesan I expected was about the same amount of dandruff I’d expect from a bald man who regularly uses Head & Shoulders.  No, no, no.  This is more like a four-topping pizza.

An above-average crust, below average toppings for a supreme, some weird science, and somewhat false advertising (compare the box with the product). “It’s not Freschetta, it’s We’ve Got No Clue How to Put Toppings on a Pizza”.

(4.3 pizzas out of 10)

Joshua lets it be

Well.   Here we go with another marketing lesson kiddos.  First off, create a sub par product.  For example, let’s say a Freschetta Pizza.  Just a regular old freschetta pizza.  Litter it all over the market place, put it on sale, who cares, just get it out there.

Then, produce a newer, bigger, badder pizza and give is a crazy name (like Ultimate Supreme) or this case, PizzAmore’ !  (you see that, they took the words pizza and amore and combined them!…. at least I hope that’s what they did, cause otherwise they took an awful misspelling of the word piss (does two z’s make it exreme?) and they’re talking about pee pee love…..

Good lord… now all I can think about is pizzing…

Class dismissed, but remember, you can put a tux on an angry bear, but it’s still an angry bear (or your mother in law…)

4 out of 10 all night last minute study binges

 (I know you're trying to get a leg up guys, but THIS IS RIDICULOUS! (winner of the worst thing said under a photo contest ever))

H_Ram lets it happen. 

For whatever reason, the dudes decided to let me in on their sometimes sweet sometimes not-so-sweet adventure in pizza reviewing.

Now, I think it's being quite generous to say that this is a 10-topping pizza. Personally, I don't think a pizza is a pizza if there isn't cheese on it, so while I do think it's nice to have multiple cheeses, I don't think that having Mozzarella and Parmesan entitles you to call those two toppings. They also call garlic and oregano toppings. If there were big hunks of fresh herbs on my pizza, fine, call it a topping, but when someone (okay, a machine) just shook a McCormick "Italian Spices" mix over a frozen pizza, that's not a topping. So, if we're being honest about it, it's got 6 toppings: pepperoni, sausage, peppers x3 (green, red, AND yellow!), and roasted red onion.

I can't say that their "Fresch-Bake (TM)" Tray was particularly successful, despite the gimmickiness. Call the local news investigative reporter to look into this, because the claims are not true--it does NOT bake the crust evenly. The outer areas were almost burnt by the time the middle was done. Despite that fact, though, I did like the crust. It was probably the best thing about the pizza (I realize this is a rather backhanded compliment).

4 toppings out of 10.

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